of recklessness and water

You have to make up your mind. Eventually, you will have to make up your mind. You can do whatever you want. Of course you can. You can do whatever you want and accept whatever happens as a result of the things that you do (whether or not you accept that it was a result of a thing that you did). Or you can do the things that other people expect you to do; whether it is something you want to do or not is immaterial, people have expectations and when you do not meet them there are, well, results. Consequences. Reactions to your actions. Sometimes they are the same thing. What you want to do and what you need to do. That's great, man, that's the best. But it is not always like that. Sometimes what you want to do is in direct opposition to what you need to do, and sometimes the things that you need to do do not even occur to you. This is rough, cause then you probably do not understand why things happen the way they do. Maybe you get lucky. Maybe no one cares. I do not really know if that is actually lucky, if it's good to be surrounded by people for whom your actions have no effect. In fact I think that that might be really shitty. Regardless. Maybe no one cares. Maybe you do it the way you want to do it your whole life cause your parents don't care and your friends don't care and your boss doesn't care and maybe you have a string of companions that don't care and then you stick with the same one for years and they don't care and then you die and no one cares. How. Fabulous. Would that be. Pretty fuckin fabulous.

But maybe, and this is where you ACTUALLY get lucky, maybe somewhere in there there is someone that cares about you. On some level. Maybe someone knows that you really are so, so great. Maybe someone sees who you really are. Maybe someone loves you. This is where you get lucky, where we all get lucky. This is where you make the decisions that make you who you are and make your life what it is so many times. Because this is where you decide.

You cannot go about doing whatever you want to whoever you want and expect things to be fine. They will not be fine. Maybe they will seem fine to you, but that's because you are an asshole. Things are not fine. This is not how it works. Ideally. Which is never the way it actually is. Ideally people do what they say they are going to do. They are where they say they're going to be. They mean what they say. They say what they think. They finish what they start and they do not start things they have no intention of finishing. This would be nice. But it never happens that way. This is a decision that you make, for things to not happen that way. When you fail to do what you say you are going to do, this is a decision that you make. You are deciding that whatever is keeping you from doing it is more important than what you are supposed to be doing and the people that are counting on you to do it. That's a decision. When you choose to not be where you say you're going to be that is you deciding that wherever the fuck you are right then is more important than the people that are wondering where you are and the things that are not getting done in your absence. A decision, one that you made. When you spout some bullshit that is light years from what's actually in your head or heart that is you deciding that being shed of that topic, that conversation, trumps the honesty that is expected of you and the possible complications that may, could, might arise from you telling the truth. You have no intention of seeing this, whatever it is, anywhere beyond what is easy, but you embark anyway. That is you deciding that whatever happens to everyone else involved is less important than what you want right then, that second, because you are going to do whatever you want. Because you can. Of course you can.

What you cannot do is say that you didn't mean it. That you are sorry. But, especially, that you didn't mean it. Because that is not true. That is never true. Every step of the way you make decisions. And every step of the way you are given the opportunity to make the decisions that will lead you here or lead you there, and when you deliberately make the decisions that lead to wherever you are now, you cannot say that you didn't mean it. Because that is a lie.