in you I wrap a thousand onward years

It is not one of his best poems. It is not even one of his better poems, in my opinion. Which is admittedly not highly regarded on things like poetry or art. Because I know nothing about poetry or art. What I do know about, though, is that sentiment. I understand it. I embrace that, as unseemly and non progressive as it may be, I know what he is saying and reading it, hearing it from someone else, years and years later, makes me think that maybe I am not so far off in holding on to things like that. I would say that it is an understanding of those things that is what I am after.

It is. I'd go on about, you know, kindness and humor and the ability to take me to the mat Scrabble-wise, but this is really where I separate them. Friends on one side, friends, brothers, accomplices. And you over there. Because it will probably not be a whole group of people on that side. Because it really isn't a popular sentiment. That single minded purpose. That tunnel vision. That honing in on one thing, that one thing, that you can take and see and stretch into something more than it is right now, something longer, something different. Something not at all casual or cool, which is how I keep fucking thinking I am supposed to be. But this thing matters to me, an understanding of what that's like, what that is, and the assurance that it's all right to want it and chase it and refuse to be without it. Because, failing that, how do they understand anything? Anything at all?

And that's really what I want. Understanding. For you to know what it's like. Because then you will know what I'm like, and these things will make sense. I would like for you to know what it's like to lose everything. Because then you will understand why I hold to things the way I do. I would like for you to have come to the realization that nothing was what you thought, nothing was what it seemed, and everything that you believed was wrong. Then you will understand why I seek clarification and reassurance. I would like for you to know what it feels like to have your whole life mapped out, not every single turn or rest stop but a general direction, a plan, and then see that plan wiped out. Then you will understand why I hesitate to make those plans.

These are things that I want, Bread guy. These are things that would make all the difference. Because I try it, I try to be cool and easy. The reality, though, is that I do this. I wrap. I hope. I shoot for something bigger than this, because I know that it's there and we can have it, and I know that I'm capable of it. Not everyone wants that. I do. I want to focus, not my whole life but that whole section of my life. I want to narrow the beam and have something that is ours, just ours, something that is good by itself but better as part of something more. A thousand years. A life.