For the last few days I have been obsessively listening to Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah'. To say that it is obsessive does not, actually, do justice to the kind of time I spent listening to this song. It was almost a dependent relationship, me and this song, not just this song but the way the song makes me feel. I love the song. I love the lyrics, I love the music, I love the guitar and his voice but mostly, I love the way this song makes me feel. I have seen the video. I know better than to watch the video too many times, because I will quit my job and leave my friends and abandon my children taking only my Ipod and some really good headphones. Possibly battery money, but who knows if I will have the wits by then. The video for this song is amazing. It is very, very good. It is the only time, I think, that I can remember, that I have left a comment on something that I was not intimately familiar with. In the video you can see his mouth moving as he sings, and his hands as he plays, and it feels like he really means the things that he is making you feel. It is a love song, you know, but not really. It is a song about pain and loss and the aching of the thing that you cannot have and the destruction of getting what you wish for. It's good. You've heard it, cause it's on Shrek, but you have not heard it for real until you have heard Jeff Buckley sing it.

Listening to this man sing this song, it makes me realize something. Number one, that the universe is a fucked up place. Jeff Buckley, oh my goodness. Number one and a half is that she was right when she said that people will forget what you said, and they will forget what you did, but they will never forget the way you made them feel. I appreciate anything that can make me feel. Feel what, who cares, just feel. I was ready to high five a chart today because it broke my heart and made me want to kill myself. I had a new and healthy respect for my co-worker the other day because he made me angrier than I can remember being in recent history. I am in love with this boy and every day that he goes his way and I go mine I appreciate that he can inspire the kind of feeling that I feel, all the time, not just for him but for me, at the thought of him. To feel, you know? The highs and the lows and the sideways times when you are crying out of anger or laughing in horror or clinging in desperation, but no matter what you're doing, you're doing it on purpose.

I want to not forget to do things on purpose. I want to cry for that mother and tell that one guy that he is wrong and I want to take Matthew and almost, almost kiss him. I want my children to know that our life was not an accident and I want to hear that song and be twenty pounds heavier in the heart but fifty pounds lighter in the head. I want all these things, and it's easy enough to have them. I just have to pay more attention.