go dig me a grave
both long, wide and deep
as quickly as you may
I'll lie down in it and take one sleep
for twelve month and one day
I read in a book, a ridiculous book full of the best advice I've ever had, that you are going to want to dig a hole and crawl in it and pull the hole around you, but don't you do it.
Don't you do it. This is the difference between okay and not okay, no matter how you feel. Don't you do it, right now this very moment. And again now. And now, don't you do it, again.
There will be hard things. There will be times and people and events that you cannot survive. How could you survive them, no one could, and to expect that you will is to fool no one, not even yourself. Maybe you're up and walking and working and coping, but that's not really living. That's muscle memory. That's instinct. That's the impulse that tells your heart to beat so that you don't have to, that's what that is. And that's your friend. That's going to save you, when you can't save yourself and you can't find it in yourself to seek out a savior. But that's not surviving. That's dying, that's parts of you dying and going forever, and you'll never be the same again. And you know what? That's okay. Let them die. These are parts that hurt and parts that pull you back and sometimes they're parts that infect, and those parts need to go away. You'd kill them yourself if you had the energy, so let them die. Stop trying to make it better, because you can't. Stop trying to be happy because you aren't. Stop trying to overcome a fucking unstoppable force because you are not in fact an immovable object. You're a real live person, you're a fairy tale perfection of skin and bone and you cannot escape what's happening right now but you can let it come, and let it run its course, and you can dig the hole but don't pull it over you. And if your only way through is to go around, then by all means go around. And pretend I never said a word.
as quickly as you may
I'll lie down in it and take one sleep
for twelve month and one day
I read in a book, a ridiculous book full of the best advice I've ever had, that you are going to want to dig a hole and crawl in it and pull the hole around you, but don't you do it.
Don't you do it. This is the difference between okay and not okay, no matter how you feel. Don't you do it, right now this very moment. And again now. And now, don't you do it, again.
There will be hard things. There will be times and people and events that you cannot survive. How could you survive them, no one could, and to expect that you will is to fool no one, not even yourself. Maybe you're up and walking and working and coping, but that's not really living. That's muscle memory. That's instinct. That's the impulse that tells your heart to beat so that you don't have to, that's what that is. And that's your friend. That's going to save you, when you can't save yourself and you can't find it in yourself to seek out a savior. But that's not surviving. That's dying, that's parts of you dying and going forever, and you'll never be the same again. And you know what? That's okay. Let them die. These are parts that hurt and parts that pull you back and sometimes they're parts that infect, and those parts need to go away. You'd kill them yourself if you had the energy, so let them die. Stop trying to make it better, because you can't. Stop trying to be happy because you aren't. Stop trying to overcome a fucking unstoppable force because you are not in fact an immovable object. You're a real live person, you're a fairy tale perfection of skin and bone and you cannot escape what's happening right now but you can let it come, and let it run its course, and you can dig the hole but don't pull it over you. And if your only way through is to go around, then by all means go around. And pretend I never said a word.
posted by machine central at 11:29 PM
1 Comments:
Thank you for this, by the way. It's this line "when you can't save yourself and you can't find it in yourself to seek out a savior," that has clanked around in my brain in my weakest moments. I stopped seeking saviors a long time ago, and yet there are people who want to, who are just waiting for me to ask, who can give a little here and there. I'm just warming up to the idea that it all happens in bits and pieces like a jigsaw puzzle with contributions from unexpected sources rather than all at once in a whole and complete unit of salvation. Glory by degrees.
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