oh tonight
cruel world
be forgiving
I spent this weekend doing one of my favorite things with some of my favorite people. Not all of my favorite people, but some. And we were in the woods and we were in the river and we were in chairs by the fire by the hammock by each other and it was exactly right, and it was exactly what I needed and I cannot recall the last time I was as content as I was this weekend. Content being something different than happy, and something different than satisfied, despite what Merriam might tell you. And while we were there I had a stunning realization, which is that I am irreparably in love with one of my friends. In love with him. This came over me slowly over the course of three days, not the feeling, but the realization. Because I don't feel any different about him now than I did four years ago, when we were sitting in the yard, or three years ago, when we were at this very site on this very weekend for this very purpose, or two years ago in the hay, or last year in his house, but what is different is that I recognize that feeling for what it actually is. And I was happy to see it, and happy to see what I recognize as genuine affection being returned to me from a source of great happiness. I am happy to be there, and happy to have undertaken the seemingly impossible task of keeping this all together over the last six years, and happy to have tended this garden, as it were, despite monumental odds. I am rewarded. I am rewarded, and I am a reward.
It occurs to me that while I have worked really hard for what I have, that doesn't mean that I deserve it any more than anyone else, and that people have their own parameters and definitions of what this feels like to them, and many times those things are at odds with what constitutes happiness for other people. And that maybe we could give ourselves, and each other, a break. Maybe it's not personal. Maybe what we view as acts of aggression or hostility are really acts of carelessness in the pursuit of this feeling, in the quest for pockets of absolute stillness in what has become an increasingly tumultuous existence for everyone, everyone. I am redefining what this looks like for me, and this starts with forgiveness, from myself to myself, when I feel like I am not living up to the standards and expections or within the parameters and boundaries imposed by people that I care about and vice versa. This feeling for my friend does not, actually, diminish what I feel for the man that I am currently With; similarly his attraction to other women (and, ultimately, his potential physical interactions with other women) does not necessarily diminish what he feels for me. No, we can't just all get along, but yes we can all relax our borders and let our guard down a little. We aren't out to get each other, are we, and if I make you feel that way or if you make me feel that way then one or both of us is probably mistaken, because why would we choose each other if that was our intent? Why WOULD you want to make a total stranger feel like an idiot? The answer, for me, is that we wouldn't. And that sometimes there needs to be some bending and flexing in the rules we impose on ourselves. This has been a hard lesson for me, because for a great deal of my life I have been very black and white. Facts. Intentions. Pickpickpick. When the reality is, sometimes it's not like that at all. Sometimes you have to just live your life the best way you know how. Sometimes you are in a place and time where the Universe is clearly giving you something and you have to take it, because this is what you need, because this is how you continue, because there really is somebody watching out for us. If only we could assume good intent, and understand that sometimes it's really not about us, it's about a more full life and a more honest interpretation of actions and events. If we need to revisit our agreements on a continuing basis as we grow and change then where is the harm in doing so? Growth is often painful. Change is often difficult. But I will be the first to say thank you to whatever I can that I am not the same person I was five years ago, and thank you to the people that allowed me to make mistakes and change boundaries and cross lines in order to find a passable road, and I only hope that I can do the same for everyone else.
be forgiving
I spent this weekend doing one of my favorite things with some of my favorite people. Not all of my favorite people, but some. And we were in the woods and we were in the river and we were in chairs by the fire by the hammock by each other and it was exactly right, and it was exactly what I needed and I cannot recall the last time I was as content as I was this weekend. Content being something different than happy, and something different than satisfied, despite what Merriam might tell you. And while we were there I had a stunning realization, which is that I am irreparably in love with one of my friends. In love with him. This came over me slowly over the course of three days, not the feeling, but the realization. Because I don't feel any different about him now than I did four years ago, when we were sitting in the yard, or three years ago, when we were at this very site on this very weekend for this very purpose, or two years ago in the hay, or last year in his house, but what is different is that I recognize that feeling for what it actually is. And I was happy to see it, and happy to see what I recognize as genuine affection being returned to me from a source of great happiness. I am happy to be there, and happy to have undertaken the seemingly impossible task of keeping this all together over the last six years, and happy to have tended this garden, as it were, despite monumental odds. I am rewarded. I am rewarded, and I am a reward.
It occurs to me that while I have worked really hard for what I have, that doesn't mean that I deserve it any more than anyone else, and that people have their own parameters and definitions of what this feels like to them, and many times those things are at odds with what constitutes happiness for other people. And that maybe we could give ourselves, and each other, a break. Maybe it's not personal. Maybe what we view as acts of aggression or hostility are really acts of carelessness in the pursuit of this feeling, in the quest for pockets of absolute stillness in what has become an increasingly tumultuous existence for everyone, everyone. I am redefining what this looks like for me, and this starts with forgiveness, from myself to myself, when I feel like I am not living up to the standards and expections or within the parameters and boundaries imposed by people that I care about and vice versa. This feeling for my friend does not, actually, diminish what I feel for the man that I am currently With; similarly his attraction to other women (and, ultimately, his potential physical interactions with other women) does not necessarily diminish what he feels for me. No, we can't just all get along, but yes we can all relax our borders and let our guard down a little. We aren't out to get each other, are we, and if I make you feel that way or if you make me feel that way then one or both of us is probably mistaken, because why would we choose each other if that was our intent? Why WOULD you want to make a total stranger feel like an idiot? The answer, for me, is that we wouldn't. And that sometimes there needs to be some bending and flexing in the rules we impose on ourselves. This has been a hard lesson for me, because for a great deal of my life I have been very black and white. Facts. Intentions. Pickpickpick. When the reality is, sometimes it's not like that at all. Sometimes you have to just live your life the best way you know how. Sometimes you are in a place and time where the Universe is clearly giving you something and you have to take it, because this is what you need, because this is how you continue, because there really is somebody watching out for us. If only we could assume good intent, and understand that sometimes it's really not about us, it's about a more full life and a more honest interpretation of actions and events. If we need to revisit our agreements on a continuing basis as we grow and change then where is the harm in doing so? Growth is often painful. Change is often difficult. But I will be the first to say thank you to whatever I can that I am not the same person I was five years ago, and thank you to the people that allowed me to make mistakes and change boundaries and cross lines in order to find a passable road, and I only hope that I can do the same for everyone else.
posted by machine central at 9:58 AM
2 comments
