As I am talking to my friend she is giving excellent counsel. It's funny, because she tells me that she is giving me the same counsel that I gave her some time back. You would think that I would know this. Knowing does not help. It is easy to know, and different to Know. Logically, I know this. In my head, on paper, I know this. Where I do not know it is everywhere and in everything that makes me do and think and say the things that I do and think and say. I tell her what is wrong, that two opposing forces cannot exist in the same space, and that I don't know which, if either, will have to go in order to make way for the Hyperspace Expressway of a restful night's sleep. I don't know. I want both. I want what I have and what I cannot seem to have no matter how I try or try to ignore. I have accepted the possibility that it will simply never go away, that I am doomed to find this everywhere I go. And then I go Fuck that, mang. Cause that's stupid, cause I can do or be whoever and however I want. Can't I? I mean, I can, right?

So she says If I remember correctly it was you who told me that if you can't beat it you have to stand it. Which is, of course, fabulous advice from an okay movie. But it was fitting, when I reminded her, and it is fitting today as she is reminding me.

If you can't beat it you have to stand it. Maybe I cannot beat it. It is possible that I will not beat it in time to have what I want, that thing that makes me smile and makes me laugh and makes me happy to be me, that thing that is so patient and good and just, just good. That thing that is getting ripped off every time I question and assume, because where is my faith? Where is my mind? She tells me where it is, and once again it is just right. It is on the sole of the shoe of some man walking around in some town that I do not live in, holding a baby that I did not have. Trodding on my confidence and esteem and even though I cannot see him or his shoes or watch it as it happens, somehow it is still wrecking everything. My security. Gum. A leaf. A discarded receipt that will eventually become attached to the floormat of his car, to be forgotten and overlooked because while he stole it, without even an apology, he really did not need it.

But I do. I need that back, man, and I need it quick. Give me back that fucking gum, because I need it to hold this together. Because while it is certainly not my fault that it's gone, it will be my fault if I let that wreck everything. Cause I can pick. The anxiety or the good. One will overcome the other, given time. Because they are opposing forces, and they cannot exist in the same space. Unless I make room. I prefer to stand it, and best of luck to me.

this is what you get

when you mess with us


So I was reading in on a conversation between several people, some of whom I have actually met. It was about karma. Concerning karma. I do not know a whole lot about karma, other than what Boy George has told me. I mean, I know the general idea, but I do not know the secrets and the tricks and the inner workings of the business as well as my friends seem to. Or seem to think they do.

So when I started getting angry was when he alluded to the idea that you can pin everything on karma, and you can even pin things that happen to you on the karma that your ancestors worked up, and that nothing is ever really your fault, it's just karma. Even though he did mention that if something bad happens to you, it could be karmic retribution for something bad that you did previously. Or that your grandfather did. Whichever.

I have to wonder if it has occured to him that he is not the only person on the planet, currently. That there are a lot of people and a lot of animals and a lot of machines wandering around, doing things. And that, according to his model, everyone gets their own karma. Here is my issue with that. Say, for instance, you have this man. We will call him Scout. Scout is a really good guy. He's generous and kind and he loves his wife and children. He is superdad and superhusband and everyone's best pal. He is a catch. Except that he wasn't always, and isn't really now, what he appears. He, according to karmic theory, has racked up some pretty serious celestial demerits. So, based on this, he does not deserve happiness. So he will not have it. Something will go wrong, whether he does it actively or simply lets it happen, somehow the universe will block his happiness in order to avenge those that he has wronged in the past. So, by way of punishment, the Forces of Karma are going to destroy everything that he has built. His wife, his children, his home, everything. It has to go.

While this is brewing, you have this girl. She tries. She really does. She does what she can to help people and society and raise her children and tread lightly when possible. She is down with living and letting live and tries to make sure that the people around her are happy and healthy. She is good. She's cool. She is married to Scout and is the mother of his children.

So when the whole thing goes down, when the backlash comes and the world falls apart and her husband and home are gone, she could comfort herself with the knowledge that this is the way that things were supposed to be. Because, karmically speaking, this is fair. This is right. This is what he had coming, and it's too bad that you were in the way. Hey, you got some karma stuck to your shirt. You probably should not have been standing there. It is probably your bad karma, for deciding to get in the way of his bad karma, thus it is still fair. Refreshments in the lobby.

I don't like that idea. That you are constantly being punished for sins that you committed in the past or that you do not even realize you committed. I do not like the idea that you can blame bad things on something like that. I like the idea that there is an all knowing force waiting to avenge me, sure. It's comforting. Cause then I can say that karma is going to get Scout for things that he did to me. It seems like a good idea, in those times. I am more fond of the idea that even if you fuck up, when you see that you have done so and try not to do it again, you're cool. You're safe. More of a slow-drip than instant. You work on yourself. You recognize your flaws and you determine to not repeat the mistakes of your past. This, of course, assumes that you will recognize and attempt. But if you do not, if you are callous or clueless enough to not realize that you are doing terrible things, then punishment is probably not going to work for you anyway. If you don't think you're doing anything wrong, you will not understand why you are being punished. But the people around you will be punished right along with you. Scout is a happy man. He is still a happy man. He has moments where he wishes that things were different, but not because he is unhappy. It's because he is not completely stupid. Punishment does not work on those people. They will never learn.

You get good friends. You mess them about and lose them, but you do not care, because you are inherently not a good person. Karma, then, what, punishes you for being an asshole by taking away your friends? Do you care? Of course not, you are an asshole. My cousin is in prison currently. This is his third go around with prison. He will be there forever, this time, because it is his third time. The first time was for armed robbery. The second time was for kidnapping. The third time was because he was in a lumberyard after it closed, and that is trespassing. You could argue that he racked up some bad karma by having a knife in his pocket when he stole that money. Or that he racked up some bad karma by taking his girlfriend to California when she was a minor. Or that he probably should have taken the long way home as opposed to cutting through the lumberyard. So sure, those were his decisions, and now he is paying for them, initially he is punished by the justice system but really, he is punished by karma. The knife did not have to fall out. The concert could have been in this state. It could have not been raining. Things could have been different. But who is suffering, other than him? His wife. His boys. So, her current suffering is the karmic result of her bad decision in marrying this person. That is complete bullshit. It is bullshit. He is in prison. It is not because he does bad things, it is because he does illegal things. His family is suffering not because they did bad things, but because there was a fence and he ignored it.

I thought that the whole principal of the karmic philosophy was universal balance. Fairness. It is not fair for people to suffer for the transgressions of others. It isn't fair. It is not fair to be punished for something that you did when you were a different person. It is not fair. If you are shown your mistake and choose to repeat it, I can see that. If you continue with a way of life that is hurting people or the world around you and right as you are going to kick that baby a runaway bus wipes you out, hey, fine. But forever? And for things that other people did? I do not support that. At all. I think it's a copout, and a big one. And it completely does away with doing good for the sake of doing good. Because now, now you are doing good so that bad things do not happen to you. And that isn't why you do good things. You do good because it is right. Not to rack up points somewhere.

I understand that it is a good idea for evil to not go unpunished. I understand that it is good for people to be shown the error of their ways, so that they can change them if they are willing. I do not understand giving a name and a following to the practice of not taking responsibility for your own actions. That I do not understand. At all.

hey your glass is empty

it's a hell of a long way home


It has been a month. Has it been a month? Yes, a month, and last night it occured to me that if I do not stop it right now, it will probably continue. At the rate it's going now, given where I am in the space of a month, it will be exponentially worse by this time next month. I can't even think beyond that. I'm trying not to think beyond that, and am doing a really good job so far. Because if I think about that then it will occur to me, really, how stupid I am.

I am not at all ready. At all. I discovered this last night, while I was inexplicably sobbing over some Legos. I knew where he was. I knew who he was with, the other girl, who worships him and looks just like him. I know, rationally, logically, that it is perfectly acceptable to go minutes and hours and days without seeing or hearing from him. It simply had not happened yet. Then suddenly it had been five hours, eight hours, ten hours, and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't breathe and I was staring, staring at the Legos, willing them to fly, fly to your Lego brothers, the ones that she is playing with right now, and reconnoiter and return and report that he is not reconsidering, that he is not sitting there with the phone in his hand wondering if a text message would be more merciful, that he is actually passed out on his floor while his daughter plays with her toys around him because he works and has her and is tired, and that this is perfectly normal. But what happened instead is that I started sobbing. Because the Legos let me down. They let me down, man, they did not report what I wanted to hear. They reported babysitters and clubs and girls he has known since grade school, and Friday night and alcohol and forgetfulness. I am pleased to report that you have gone insane. Thank you, Lego Chewbacca. Dismissed.

And I told him this, on some day other than today, when I was not in the process of opening communication with plastic men. I told him that I was probably not ready. He said No, probably not, but then we will never be ready, will we, and we have to do our best from where we are. Which was the best. Right then, where he was, was a very good place to be. And I know that he does it too, which makes me feel both better and worse. It makes me feel better because I know he understands, but it stabs me in the neck because I know how that feels and I know that sometimes your brain tells you it is better to get rid of what is making you feel that way. And I do not want to be gotten rid of. And I do not want to be getting rid of anything. I want to NOT GO INSANE. And it's so simple! Just don't! Just don't do it. Don't think about it. Don't chew on it. See what's there, right there, you saw it he put put it right there where everyone could see, this is what's there and what's there is good. What he says is good. Fuck those Lego guys, man, what the hell do they know they have lived their whole life in a box with no head. He is fine and you are fine and even if at some point it is not fine it is certainly fine right now, and he will call and he will email and he will show up tonight and wonder why your eyes are puffy when you do not have allergies but will still tell you how cute you are. And you will believe it.

I will completely believe it and will not even be quietly saying to myself (anything). And a few days later we will do it again. And a few days after that, we will do it again. Who knows. It could happen. The other day I got snowed on out of a clear blue sky. This morning my paper boy managed to miss that puddle. Maybe it really is my turn.