Starts with an M (no one specific)

madness, marriage, make, manipulate, male

And that's why I do it.

Cause I couldn't do it, you know, not for real, not for a while.

I traded, sure. What do I get for this? Here is what I have: well, you all know what I have. I traded it for bites on my shoulders, a scratch on my chest, and hair that is not my own. These are a few of my favorite things. These things make me happy. These things come and go. These things have flights to catch and homes to go to where they will not miss me, not one bit.

I wonder if this thing I'm feeling right now, this very moment, is sadness.

I miss being missed, all of a sudden. I miss it being a big deal. I even miss being taken for granted, because to take something for granted is to assume that it will be there, again, as usual. I think that I would like to be there, again, as usual. I think I would like that very much. I would like to be the reason that he does not go home with that girl from his film class. The reason he takes down the ad. The reason he goes to work with a swollen lip and explains 'Anniversary'.

He told me to relax. It's funny. I thought that I was relaxed. It could be that a lot of things that I think I am, I really am not. Maybe I am not nearly as suited to single as I thought I was. Or it could be that I am through with it, that I have excised whatever gangrenous horror was creeping from my left ring finger.

I had a dream the other night. I don't remember them, usually, because when I finally sleep, I sleep like a dead thing. It was a happy marriage dream, you know, not so much a dream as a video of before. And the next day, all day, I had moments of panic throughout when I thought I had lost my ring. Then it would occur to me that I had, lost it, for good. That feeling of relief, realizing that I had not left it by a sink or dropped it on a bus, it was not really relief. The tan line is mostly gone, but there is still a bow in my finger where the shape of it is obvious. And it's weird, to want that back. Especially when I think about how bad it really was, and can be, and currently is for people that I know and love. But I would trade for that, also.

It's surprising to me. I figured it would take longer than this. But I was thinking about it today, post-last night and post-conversation with friends. I am really not a love them leave them girl. For one, I don't love them. But I am also not a sleeping with people I don't care about girl. So why was I doing it? Well, it starts with an m. And I think, mmmmmaybe, that it will stop with a Z.

God, I have so many people to piss off. I had better get started.